To My Future Son

To my son,

I do not know you yet. I do not know if you will ever exist. But secretly, I hope you will one day. Even in the midst of not wanting children in college, I always thought it would be fun to have my own son, and now that I am happily married and I'm getting myself ready to start my own family someday, I hope that one day I will be blessed with you. Right now, I want to name you either Miles, Simon, Landon, or Oliver. (Miles is my favorite.) Your future father doesn't care for those names, except for Miles. He thinks Landon sounds like 'landon a plane.' But that's ok, we'll leave him out of the equation for now. For now, my dear son, it's just you and me.

Just recently, two teenage boys were found guilty of committing a horrible crime- they raped and violated a fellow pupil, a teenage girl, and they are now heading to juvenile prison for the foreseeable future. They will be labeled as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. In prison, their fathers clasped them and cried with them and insisted that their sons were not bad kids, and that they couldn't possibly be rapists. But they are- and there is extraordinary evidence to prove it. These boys were once some parent's pride and joy, and they are someone's most beloved treasure. How did they come so far?

My boy, there is much I want for you in your life. I want you to be intelligent, ambitious, handy with tools like your father, an avid reader like me. I want you to have friends and be part of things and to have a wonderful, successful life. But most importantly, I want you to be kind. I want you to be humble, and to know the difference between getting your way because she didn't say no, and getting your way because she enthusiastically said yes. Or he, if that is your preference- it makes no difference to me.

As your mother, I will be your primary female role model. It will be your father's job to teach you how to treat a woman, and it will be my job to show you how a woman treats a man, and what a woman of quality looks like and sounds like. It will be our job to teach you to respect boundaries, to be respectful, and to tell you no (and hold to it) when it is necessary. I sincerely believe that much of the blame for these boys' crimes falls on their parents. There's no doubt that they were overindulgent, possibly even neglectful, of making sure that their beloved boys didn't victimize someone because they could.

It is my job to teach you to be courageous when it is not easy. There were boys (and girls) present who could have stepped in to save the girl when she couldn't save herself. But they didn't, because they didn't understand what they were witnessing, and because they were too afraid to be made fun of or teased. Deep down, they knew what they were witnessing was wrong, just as the boys knew what they were doing was wrong. But they didn't stop them. My son, I want you to grow up to be a hero for those who cannot help themselves, rather than a bully. As a white male, you will endowed with certain privileges right from birth, and it is your job to use that influence for the good and safety of otehrs, not for putting others down.

Being a parent is a heavy responsibility, which is why I haven't begun that journey already. I'm not quite mature enough to handle it. But I will be one day, and I intend to take it seriously. I do not want you to grow up and victimize someone else, or even to feel that you have the right to. You are to be kind, compassionate, and understanding, and it will be my job to teach you those things. And I will, my boy. I will. I love you, and look forward to being your mother.

Love,

(Future) Mama