Golden Globes 2016: Red Carpet Report Card

       I LOVE the Golden Globes- it's like the boozy, white trash cousin of the Academy Awards, and everyone treats it as such. That's not necessarily a bad thing; while the Academy Awards prides itself on being stuffy and stiff and Super Ridiculously Serious, and spends tedious amounts of time on categories that are worthy of being recognized (like Sound Design and Makeup) but aren't entertaining to watch on television, the Golden Globes shamelessly indulges in celebrities themselves. Every year, the Hollywood Foreign Press does its best to corral as many A-list celebrities into one champagne-soaked room as it can, and the results are always entertaining, particularly with an irreverent host at the helm.
     Of course, it's the red carpet fashion that most people care about, so here we go: here are my favorite (and some of my least favorite) red carpet dresses from the 2016 Golden Globes.

Hollywood's most prominent and celebrated redheads, Julianne Moore and Amy Adams, tied for my favorite looks of the night. Both chose dresses that complimented their hair and skin tones beautifully, and both chose classic silhouettes that were both timeless and daring. If I had to choose a favorite, I'd lean toward Adams- she always manages to look subtle, feminine, elegant, and positively perfect.

The reviews for Viola Davis' dress have been mixed at best, but I say "haters to the left." The gorgeous nominee looks like the night sky and she looks radiant and sexy and I love it.

Saorise Ronan and Lily James both opted for white Grecian inspired gowns, and they both absolutely rocked the red carpet (with Saorise heading out Lily by just a step or two.)

All the commentators were abuzz about Jennifer Lopez's yellow cape dress, but to my rather eyes, it was a bit over the top and silly. It was America Ferrera who owned the sunny shade this year, and it looked exquisite on her. 

Kate Hudson's dress reminds me of the infamous nude bodysuit Britney Spears wore so many years ago (complete with 90s-inspired choker,) but DAMN THOSE ABS. You do you, girl.

Kate Winslet is one of my personal style icons. She knows how to dress herself, always choosing simple silouettes and bold colors, often with minimal makeup and hair. Like a true icon, she knows what works and sticks to it, and this royal blue gown is one of my favorites of the night. 

Emmy Rossum, at the Globes to promote and support her television show "Shameless," looked positively shameless in a radiant red gown that looked like it was painted on her. Gorgeous!

I'm calling this category, "Women Who Look Perfect, But Whose Husbands Bring Down Their Perfection." Jenna Dewan-Tatum, on the left, is gorgeous in her royal blue, sparkly gown, but normally-flawless hubby Channing Tatum's unfortunate hair brings it down a notch. (What IS that thing? Is he doing bangs?) For Olivia Wilde, who almost always looks stunning, the crimson gown is perfect. It's Jason Sudeikis' dorky tennis shoes that ruin the full effect.

Just as a reminder, Lady Gaga was the person who showed up at the Grammy's in a large egg just a few short years ago. These days, she has classed it up quite a lot, and last night she channeled Marilyn Monroe in a dramatic, but altogether classic, black gown. 

The stars of the much-lauded film "Carol" both fall into one category: "Stars Whose Style Isn't Even Remotely Like Mine, But Who Wow Me Every Time Anyway." Even for someone who tends to favor the classic over the avante-garde, Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett always manage to knock my socks off, and these lacy, pale-hued dresses do just that. Cate's look is more elegant, more formal, more vintage inspired, and Rooney's is shredded, edgy, younger, and defiantly rock and roll. I love them both.

Lots of stars "took the plunge" on the red carpet, with cleavage and low-cut dresses being the theme of the night, but few made it look as effortless as Joanne Froggatt, whose watercolor-blue dress looked timelessly elegant on her.

And now onto the WTF portion of the night..

Best Impersonation of a Disney Princess: Amber Heard.
The pink, the flowers, the fairy-ish color palette and cut. Not only is this dress not remotely sexy, it also looks both too young and too frilly to be taken seriously. 

Best Impersonation of Batman: Emilia Clarke
On Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke has the best costumes, bar none, and since she's the Mother of Dragons, it's to be expected. But her red-carpet style is always just one step off of fashion forward and a little too close to "just don't own a mirror." In this cape dress, she looks remarkably like the Caped Crusader (and not really in a good way.) 

Not Sure if Too Old, or Too Young for This Dress: Gina Rodriguez
Gina Rodriguez is a gorgeous girl, but this poofy blue dress both seems fit for a much younger actress (say, someone Jacob Tremblay's age,) AND Much too old for her at the same time. Gina, you're beautiful and perfect and only in your twenties- save the ball gowns for tea parties and senior adult benefit balls.

Jane Fonda could have rocked that ball gown, no doubt, and frankly, is old enough and successful enough that she can wear whatever the hell she wants, but this whipped-cream concoction was an.... interesting choice, to say the least.

I love you, J. Law. I really do. But for your sake, I hope this contract with Dior runs out soon. The panels, the side slits, the big choker... ugh. 

Rachel McAdams apparently snatched down her mother's curtains and made a dress, a la Maria von Trapp. Interesting choice, I suppose. 

And finally, the most egregious offender on this list: Katy Perry. It's not Katy Perry's cleavage I object to- God knows, her "Golden Globes" are perfect and she should show them off. It's the pale, dusty color that does nothing for her, the frumpy cut, and worst of all, the weird-half-bumpit hair. Katy... what? Do better, Katy. Do better.