In about two months, you will go to your friend Kristen's 11th birthday party. There, she will expose you to a type of music you've heretofore never heard of or possibly even imagined. Today, March 04 2003, is the day that a band called Evanescence will release their second album (but first hit album) called 'Fallen.' Since you are currently still listening to mostly Christian 'pop' music, you will go on unaware of this new development until around May, when Kristen will let you listen to one of Evanescence's songs at her party. Something in you will awaken, and you will remember the moment you first hear the haunting, melancholy strains of 'My Immortal' long after the moment has passed. It will be a startling realization of all that is in the world, of all the different types of music and artists and passions that are available to you. You will latch onto this music and ride it through some of your most dismal moments. You will feel that the music perfectly describes your feelings and emotions, and it will- even though it will also express the feelings of everyone around you. This you won't understand for a while- youthful narcissism has convinced you that you are somehow unique and that no one around you fully gets what you're feeling, when it reality, they're all listening to Evanescence for the same reasons you are.
Here, it is the year 2013. Much has changed about you. You're older, obviously, and you have to wear glasses now. (You'll notice that the blackboard gets fuzzy at distances when you're 16.) Your hair is still not silky and Jennifer Aniston-y, though you'll get used to it as you get older. Your braces have been off for quite some time, and your top teeth have shifted a bit. (A note on that- when you're 17, you'll have a chance to reach what has up until now been your life long dream- you'll get to go to New York City. While you are there, don't leave your retainer in the hotel. You'll regret it for life.)
At 23, your tastes have changed quite a bit, and the world has changed quite a bit. In your time, the biggest music artists in the world are rappers, and the dances you'll go to will play almost exclusively hip hop music to dance to. The music that is considered 'artsy' right now is very dark, both in color and tone, and is heavily about death, tragedy, and suffering. In 10 years, the majority of those artists will all but disappear from the music scene, and the face of popular music will shift dramatically from this:
To this:
I know the change seems alarming now, with all the bright colors and sunny energy, but don't worry. Disco isn't (completely) back, though it did have a prominent resurgence in the Gaga era (you'll understand that later.) But, Me, a lot has changed. For example, Hot Topic- you currently know this store as the place where Mom won't let you shop as much as you want to, the place with all the cool goth clothes where people who are 'different' and 'tough' shop. You know, people like this:
You see? Life has changed quite a lot since you first discover Evanescence, and somehow, inadvertantly, yourself. I don't say this to frighten you- life is change, and in this instance, it is a good thing. You've changed yourself, and as Adult You, on the other side of the pain you're just beginning to feel, I can tell you that it does get better.
Me, I want to tell you the truth about some things. You were born with a great need to be loved and accepted, possibly more so than some people. You read ardently (you always will) you're intelligent, and you're ambitious, but due to your raising, you're also very sheltered and naive. You first learned that last year, when you moved to that preparatory school and realized that most people don't like you, and first started to realize that something is wrong with you. Your grades collapsed that year, infuriating your parents. They won't ever fully understand exactly what happened to you there, or how it changed you for life, but that's ok. They don't have to understand it. Right now, you're living in a new town, in a place you will spend all of your middle school and some of your high school years. This has been a hard move for them, and just like they won't ever know exactly what you're going through, you'll never fully understand their hardships. Everyone is hurting right now.
In this new town, you will continue to develop a need for love that you feel is never fully met. You will be mocked, ostracized, isolated, and rejected, and it will hurt you deeply. Despite all your efforts to the contrary, you are an easily hurt individual, and while you may not remember exactly what everyone said, you will remember the feeling of isolation and shame that you feel. I'd like to say that as you get older you get tougher. That's not really true. You just get a lot better at hiding it or dealing with it.
At this moment, you wear all your emotions on your sleeve. You feel great pain, great suffering, great anger, and great joy with equal enthusiasm. When you are angry, you rage. When you are happy, you're ecstatic. You lack a filter or any insight. This is not uncommon; teenagers never have any insight into their own moods and actions. This lack of restraint makes you a great actress and performer. You will have many starring roles in school plays, and even one in a local theater. It will be one of your proudest accomplishment, and you will meet one of your lifelong friends this way. Others will say that you are talented. Mostly, you are just uninhibited. This will change.
However, there will come a time when life will step in and you will be forced to find some other way to deal with your emotions. Your family will send you a message that you will interpret to mean that you are alone, and you will begin harming yourself to rid yourself of the anxiety that you are beginning to feel. This is not uncommon- your generation will do this frequently ,and there will come a time when you find it embarassing and cliche. However, that isn't to say that you will have an easy time stopping it. You will struggle with it throughout your life, and as you grow and turn more inward, it will become more of a crutch to you than ever before.
You will spend your life looking for someone to be your Other, to convince you that you are not completely alone in the world. The first one- one you will meet very soon, will be a cause of great pain to you. He will be mentally and physically abusive, but on a scale just large enough to cause pain, but not big enough to cause any certainty in your brain. You will spend the next decade wondering exactly how big an impact he left. He will be your first addiction- addicted to approval, addicted to earning the love and affection of others. You will wonder if you really were abused, or if your brain- known to be imaginative- has crafted much of the pain of its own accord. He will teach you not to trust your own thoughts and memories. You will struggle with this for life.
The next one will cause a great rift between you and your family. You will lose your virginity to him, and you will spend years drifting between believing firmly that he is your Other, and feeling a desperate need to get away from him. He is not like the first; he is not abusive or cruel. He is merely neglectful, and most importantly, not meant for you. Your need to be part of something will not allow you to leave him quickly. You will spend years developing an acute anxiety, and during this time, you will turn to various things to medicate yourself- self harm, alcohol (yes, Me, alcohol,), partying, sex, and other means.
You will eventually get therapy for all these things, your senior year of college. You will actually go to a therapist, and your family will not know. You will go to her because you are having something of a mental breakdown, and your anxiety will have reached crisis level. There, for 6 months, she will help you begin to unravel your pain, starting with the immediate future, and going all the way back to middle school. It is only then that you begin to realize exactly what has brought you to where you are, and you will be able to set about making changes to make yourself better. You will deal with anxiety to some extent your whole life, and you will lose your ability to act because you never had talent, and now you have lost even your inhibition. You will become an introvert who would rather keep her thoughts to herself and pick them over carefully than broadcast them to the world.
Have I frightened you? It isn't my intention. The bad part is over. Here's the good part- you will have a very successful life. You will graduate from high school, and then from college. You will take trips to all those places you dream of right now- New York City, Chicago, and Greece. You will see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. You will see Wicked in Chicago. You will get to work in Walt Disney World (twice!) and while you won't get to play Belle, you'll get to 'be' her in some small extent. You will read books and see movies and go places. You will make great friends that you'll keep for a lifetime.
In fact, look over across the room. You know Stephanie, the impossibly skinny girl with big brown eyes who never says a word? You haven't talked to her yet, but next year, you will meet her in a computer class, and though you've never heard her say a word, you will strike up a conversation. You will start a friendship that will last the rest of your life. In fact, in February of 2013, you will have the honor and privilege of being in the delivery room when she delivers her daughter. She has changed a lot since that time too.
And in college, you will be randomly assigned to a roommate, and you will fall in best-friend love with her. You will meet in her a sort of kindred spirit the likes of which you've never known, and she will stay your best friend forever. You will become such a part of each other that people around the university won't even call your names seperately, but strung together- you're pretty much one person.
However, the best part is that on April 17, 2011, your 22nd birthday, you will meet the love of your life. He will be your Other, and you will feel it instantly. He will be your everything, and you will be his. You will be inseperable from the beginning, and on December 8th, 2012, you will marry him, and Stephanie and your college roommate will be your bridesmaids. You will have accomplished your dearest goals- to be loved completely, to be accepted, and to feel good in your own skin. You will.
In your twenties, you will be infinitely happier than you are now. However, you will learn from this pain. Everything that you do wrong, all the pain you feel, and all the misfired relationships you have in the next 10 years will lead you to where you most want to be. You can do it. Hang in there. You will be loved soon, and one day, this pain will make sense to you.
Best, and with great love,
Me (2013)
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